And so begins this journey I never wished to travel...
I found out what stage of PKD I am at on Monday.
I was hoping for a 2 or 3 but I am right on the line between 3 and 4.
The Dr. believes my cysts are starting to rupture and can now cause infections I may not even be aware I have. I guess that means lots of bloodwork...regularly from now on. I wouldn't care much cause I'm not bothered by needles at all or blood but, my veins hide and they often either have to poke me 3-4 times or get blood from the veins in my hands, which I don't mind telling you HURTS more!
The Queen of Chaos balks at having to get so much bloodwork and see so many Drs. so often.
I don't deal with this stuff very well...and it's not going to get any easier. I have known since I was 21-22 that I had PKD and really tried to avoid the decisions I will have to make...I knew I would really but, when you're young there is always hope that it may not be so.
It is so. I will have to decide about dialysis and/or transplant eventually and I just don't want to. I don't WANT to deal with any of it actually...I never have...and there is the thing...LIFE...is NOT fair. Shit happens you have no control over and then you have to deal with it.
So today as well as yesterday I am just overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of things that may or may not come my way due to the high blood pressure, PKD and type 2 diabetes that is now my way of life for the rest of it. However long or SHORT it may be. I would like to delude myself into believing it will be longer than I think but, really who am I kidding? I can't change anything about me. If I could I would have done it years ago. The result likely will be that some complication from one or more of these health issues that plague me will end my life sooner rather than later.
Is it any wonder a person is depressed and really doesn't see much point to her even being here? Is it really any wonder she falls into deep blue funks she can't get out of and really doesn't know deep down why there would be any reason to bother to?
And yet, I understand I have wasted a great deal of my life feeling sorry for myself. I know there is more to my life than this set of diseases that wreak havoc inside my body.
So...at 37 years old I have decided to try new things. I have decided to do the things that give me pleasure and joy...to cherish the people who give me these things and to TRY very hard NOT to worry about what I can't control.
It's gonna be hard not to get down in that funk again.
I'll keep ya posted.