...with new meds and the body aches and pains and adjustments that come from it.
I don't really enjoy it and yet I hope that once I've endured it the end result will be improvements. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm tired today as a result of it. I am eating because I have to but it doesn't appeal to me and I'm not sure I will enjoy the lack of appetite while not having a choice if I eat or not...if I don't eat I will PAY for that...so I guess I eat tasteless, blah stuff and know that it will be good for me anyway.
Sometimes I just really HATE this stuff that has been dropped on me and that I have to find a way to get through and find a positive attitude about while I do.
Today is a little better than yesterday but, I still don't feel awesome...but, I will endure...

What do you do when you feel restless, stressed, emotional...I mean more than usual, or for days in a row, weeks, months even. How do you find the joy again? How do you find the silver lining? How do you find and BE positive when you're feelings don't really seem to be for much reason at all.
I know there are many reasons in my life and situation to feel this way but, I don't think any of them are the reason I feel so...RESTLESS.
I don't know what is...
maybe just because I know deep deep down that things are changing again and some CHOICES have to be made. I have to make a DECISION. THEN, I have to fight myself like hell every day to keep from sinking back into this oblivion.
Ignorance is bliss they say...sometimes I wish to be ignorant and delusional but, the problem is that I am intelligent and I can recognize and know the truth when I hear it or see it. IF I want to be here LONG time, I MUST change some things. So many I have already changed but, so many still to change that I sometimes feel I flounder and drown in the middle and have not gotten anywhere yet at all!
Baby steps move forward but, so SLOW and yet, I cannot seem to make these changes any faster or I feel overwhelmed and just want to lie down and give up.
I refuse to give up! So I continue to step with baby steps and make ONE change at a time until I make improvements or lose the fight...whichever comes first.
I need a list and a PLAN. Then I will find the WILL to commit to it.

Well, the thing I have been dreading has finally happened.
I will be starting to take insulin as soon as I can make an appt with the Dr. and get him to write my prescription for the pen. :(
I am also showing at 27 and in Stage 4 which disturbs me a little. No matter how much I wish it, it seems there is no stopping the progression of the disease. It is slowly going down hill. For the longest time I was right on the line between Stage 3 and Stage 4 and I was hopeful I could stay there a long time.
It is difficult to do all the things I have to do. Eat right, exercise, be positive, keep trying, keep moving forward, not give up, not give in.
Don't drink.
Don't do this, don't do that. Bahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Maybe one good thing is it will be a 24 hour insulin so I will only have to inject myself once a day. I hope it helps.
I'm feeling sad today. :(

A week ago I found out for the first time yet what it feels like to have one of the cysts on my kidneys burst. It is not fun or pleasant. It hurts.
I was laid up in bed for a week. I've spent the last couple of days resting as well because I don't want that to happen again any time soon!
Thankfully, tylenol takes the edge off and the heating pad relieves some of the pain.
Thank GOD for that because I really can't spend a week in the hot bath tub!! LOL
The thing about being stuck in bed is that you think about all the things that you need to do and can't right now and it can be very frustrating.
The thing about being in pain like that is that it is a constant throb and causes stress on your body and mind. It is very difficult to concentrate on anything or focus so I had a hard time keeping up with my blogs and I had to "cheat" by posting things I had written previously. So, I decided maybe I should just write all the time and save the finished stories and posts to a folder for sick days! LOL
But, the thing is when you get back to normal again real life comes crashing back into focus and you're back to your same routine again of laundry, dishes and other housework and any other extra projects you've set for yourself for the week or the month. Since I am a terribly unorganized individual there is really no regular way in which I keep track of all these things so what's next is whatever comes into my head or pops into my attention first.
I do try to write lists for myself but sometimes I lose them and sometimes I JUST don't FOLLOW them. So all I can do is keep trying to get my "stuff" together and hope with time I DO get better at it!
In the healthy pain free times I will try to keep myself busy and write extra things in case of the next "bursting cyst" moment.
Some parts of living with my diseases depresses and frustrates me MUCH.
I don't like the pain. IT is NOT my friend.
BUT, I have decided I REFUSE to let it get me down OR at the very least KEEP me down! I will take the down time when it comes as a moment to collect my thoughts and take a deep breath before jumping in feet first again and running full tilt at the speed my brain requests of me. It will be like the calm before the storm.
AND I think that I can do that. I can use those times as breathing space, calm, down time to rest and replenish for the up times. Full speed ahead!

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die:
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to break down, and a time to build up:
A time to weep, and a time to laugh:
A time to mourn and a time to dance:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3

Hmmmmmm....
Guilty Pleasures.
The phrase itself brings to mind many things that I enjoy even though I do have some guilt however small for doing so.
Here follows my list of ten (in no particular order):

1. Alcohol.
Vodka makes my bones ache, gin makes my fingers swell, beer makes me sleepy and nauseous, rye gets me drunk but sick for days, wine gives me wicked wicked heartburn, and tequila makes me an asshole-any wonder I don't want to drink? lol and yet, I miss the party...so on occasion I have a few and regret it later. :( It is a very guilty pleasure.

2. Ebay.
I can spend hours on ebay, watching a variety of things and sometimes get VERY good deals because I have the time to spend, watching, waiting, stalking my prize.
I have, on occasion spent too much money purchasing items and YES I succumb to the temptation of WINNING the bid by jumping in at the last minute and out-bidding someone else just for the sheer fun of it!
Usually though I am just happy to find something I can't get here where I live, have it shipped to my street, and fulfill a birthday or Christmas wish all at the same time.
YES, this is sometimes a guilty PLEASURE!

3. Chocolate.
Enough said.

4. Ice Cream
A guilty pleasure because I ALWAYS pay for eating it.
I no longer eat dairy every day. I am allowed 1/2 a cup a day but some days I have none and some days I might have twice that so ice cream is a very sinful treat but eating it hurts my tummy! :( (I will never give it up though!)
It also elevates my sugar because I have type 2 diabetes.
STILL...will have to feed my insatiable need for it...once in awhile. ;)

5. Stationary
It doesn't matter which store I shop in I LOVE the stationary section.
Pens, paper, folders, notebooks, notepads, loose lined paper, memo books, hard back journals...you name it I LOVE it!
It is beautiful to find a notebook with some cute design or statement.
It is also beautiful to open a fresh unblemished page and allow your mind free reign of possibilities. I don't do THAT enough!

6. PJs
Actually, the guilty pleasure is in sitting around in them ALL day, even when I am NOT sick! Though when I am sick, pjs are a comfort. Curling up in my chair or on the couch in my pjs with my warm blankie to watch a movie or read a good book or magazine...HEAVEN!!

7. CryBaby (movie with Johnny Depp)
It is absolutely a ridiculously funny and quirky MUSICAL that I just love.
It makes me laugh. I enjoy it. AND I am NOT ashamed to admit it! lol

8. Ice Cream & Onion Rings
I realize I already mentioned Ice Cream but the only thing better than it by itself is...
eating onion rings for supper and ice cream for dessert.
THIS is guaranteed to hurt...a LOT...but it is something I sometimes need to do...
unfortunately for me and happily for the Drs. who take care of me, we no longer have a Dairy Queen where I can indulge this particular guilty pleasure! :( I MISS it soooooo much!!

9. Jewelry Parts
I can spend hours at the bead store digging and sorting through the mixed bead bin finding pieces and colours I like and can use.
I can spend hours on ebay looking for everything I could possibly need and sometimes...spend way too much money because I get carried away and buy TOO MANY of the great deals at the same time which adds up you know!!
I can spend hours on the internet in supplies catalogues as well.
I frequently spend too much time looking for parts and also patterns but, I must say I ENJOY!

10. Potatoes
Baked, french fries, hash browns, patties, in a shepherd's pie, mashed and creamy with gravy, crunchy as potato chips, boiled new potatoes with butter, home fries, done in a pot roast, and even in soups and stews....I am meant to soak them for 6 hrs first, or double boil them but as you can see that would kind of spoil the way I enjoy eating them so I eat rice more often instead! I have as of yet, not been able to cut out potatoes completely tho I do try!

So, now that I've shared my guilty pleasures with you...what are yours?

The Comfort and Sweetness of Peace
After the clouds, the sunshine,
after the winter, the spring,
after the shower, the rainbow,
for life is a changeable thing.
After the night, the morning,
bidding all darkness cease,
after life's cares and sorrows,
the comfort and sweetness of peace.
Helen Steiner Rice

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MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little--but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me--but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone. It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss Me - But Let me Go!

Author Unknown

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"What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning."

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Don't weep at my grave,
for I am not there,
I've a date with a
butterfly to dance in the air.
I'll be singing in the
sunshine, wild and free
playing tag with the wind
while I am waiting for thee.

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The Road Not Taken~Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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Nothing Gold Can Stay~Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

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Kahlil Gibran
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?


For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?


Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

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Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

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KISS ;)

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...of life and death. I want my death to be easy to survive without undue stress or excess pain. I want my life to be celebrated. If I mattered to anyone THAT is what I want you all to remember. So...I am beginning some funeral plans. I will lay them out here and also write a book for hubby so he will know what to do when the time comes. I will hopefully also pre-pay and correct my ancient will. LOL

So...to begin...

It is my wish to be cremated and my ashes scattered...I will have to think about where...perhaps I will begin a garden for scattering my ashes in. LIFE is a garden and we are all the beautiful growing things in it. :) This seems appropriate for and to me.

Yes. Things are getting under control again and it will be ok. I've gotta keep a handle on the potassium in my diet but the new meds are doing o and sugars are good. I think that I'm not retaining too much fluid...so that is GOOD and I can hope that continuing to walk and get excercise will be good too. :)